Selfish or Virtuous?

I remember feeling this way…

Mean, too controlling, inhumane even, for forcing my dogs do anything they didn’t want to.

Why on Earth would I ever make any dog uncomfortable!

So instead of allowing the yucky feelings associated with enforcing rules, I exalted myself to sainthood by “turning a blind eye” to poor behavior because I was a kinder, more loving, and absolutely more ethical owner for doing so. 

All three dogs had much smaller, narrow lives. All three needlessly struggled with fear, anxiety, stress, and emotional regulation. All three recklessly put themselves, or others, in danger. All three were TERRIBLY misbehaved.

Shouldn’t my kindness have produced the opposite effect?

How could being prisoners of their own home, fence fighting with neighbors dogs, panicked reactivity at every unpredictable sound, severe attachment and dependency issues, as well as human and dog aggression, all be the result of sharing love and kindness? 

The truth was that withholding rules, boundaries, and structure wasn’t for my dog’s sakes at all. It was for me. I selfishly ignored their bad behavior because enforcing rules or implementing more structure felt mean and hard. So instead of doing what was best for them, I did what felt easy to me.

Pure selfishness. 

My “honorable” rationalization was seemingly contradictory. 

Sometimes we have to get REAL low before we actually see the error of our ways…

I could no longer justify withholding clarity for right or wrong, feedback for good or bad, or discipline for REALLY awful behavior. I learned that the most loving thing I could do for my trio was to actually parent and lead more. 

This was certainly the more virtuous path. 

And it has led me here — helping others see the truth that we are all unwittingly blind to.